Verbally Abusing (Myself?!?)

Verbally Abusing (Myself?!?)

“You know. Speaking that way to yourself is basically verbal abuse.”

“…”

Then more silence.

“Oh.”

This was an actual conversation and a dawning realization. Words do have power. Looking back over years of journaling, having received verbal abuse had played its toll in my life. But the person in my life confirming it everyday and carrying it with me into all my tasks and into adulthood was… me?

Ack. I hate typing that up. I still do it. It is one the reasons when my friends call themselves names I’m quick to say “Don’t call yourself that!” While I’m over here having to fight calling myself names all the time.

It wasn’t that it became a problem. It was that it was already a problem and I only just saw it as it was. But I had justified being so critical to myself, fully believing I deserved it.

I love what my clinical counselor pointed out. It doesn’t say in the scriptures “love others as you loathe yourself” lol. No, it says we are to LOVE our neighbors as we LOVE ourselves. And honestly, I think too often I’ve been living like I believe the first statement rather than the truth.

It was time to make a change. Enter: the sticky note. Dun Dun DUNNNN.

(I’ll say the first colorful sticky notes weren’t my idea. It was this sweet training at work where everyone in the room had to write notes about something we admired about that person. I felt so sweetly spoken into. It made me want to run and begin to give sticky notes like this to all the people in my life.)

These amazing people wrote affirming words like:

Beautiful smile. (Awwwwww)

Meek. (I dunno if this is true but they said it not me, lol)

Hardworking.

Creative.

Joyful.

Dang, I felt so amazing as I realized these people saw these attributes in me. Why couldn’t I see myself more like Christ saw me? So, I put all these sticky notes up in a wonky row on my wall to look at every day for months. Then I pulled out these little pinkish and green floral-bordered sticky notes that still needed tape. I pulled out my Bible and then I began to write things that I needed embedded in my mind.

I wrote things like the affirmation in the But God, I’m Not Enough blog post. I wrote scripture and I wrote compliments that I had received. I even began to rejoice over things I had truly worked hard on to accomplish and celebrate the win.

Here are some you can write down:

You are wonderfully made. Psalm 139

You are chosen (handpicked for the task). John 15:16

You are not rejected. Isaiah 41:9b 

You are not abandoned. Deut. 31:6

These sticky notes encouraged me so many times because they were speaking truth into my life. They were speaking God's Word over me.

And recently I wrote myself a letter. I’m honestly tired of wrestling with my low self-esteem and confidence. So I wrote a letter of affirmation and reminded myself that I have a light for a reason. I told myself the truth in that letter instead of letting the lies of the enemy continue to playing in my head. I taped that letter up and I’m looking at it now…

And my wonderful friend? You have a light for a reason too.

Please know your time on earth is not wasted. Someone needs YOUR STORY and Jesus. God will put them in your path if you let Him.

“7 Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows. 8 Whoever sows to please their flesh, from the flesh will reap destruction; whoever sows to please the Spirit, from the Spirit will reap eternal life. 9 Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up. 10 Therefore, as we have opportunity, let us do good to all people, especially to those who belong to the family of believers.” Galatians 6:7-10 NIV

But back to how we speak to ourselves. Dionne Nicholls-Germain calls it self-compassion and wrote in an article for Propel Women, “Self compassion is the ability to extend kindness and understanding to oneself in times of failure or suffering. When you experience negative emotions because you made a mistake, failed, or are faced with feelings of inadequacy, you can choose to approach it without judgment or self-criticism.”

She also points out that when we offer ourselves this compassion we “become more resilient and adaptable to setbacks”. In the article, she suggests five ways to grow your self-compassion. In essence, those steps are:

1.     Honor Your Feelings

2.     Speak to Yourself with Compassion

3.     Find Out “Why” You are Speaking to Yourself the Way You Are

4.     Pray (Inviting God’s Truth)

5.     Write About It (And a Letter to Yourself)

It does take time to rewire the way we talk to ourselves. I’m still very much on this journey. But I’m thankful for the revelation of the power I have to change the way I go about it.

Dear Lord, You know this something I’ve been struggling with. But I first want to thank You how far You have brought me in this. I am nowhere near as mean to myself as I was. In fact, I think I view myself with like 63% more compassion. Or something around there. And obviously it fluctuates. But anyways thank You. And Lord? I love You. Please continue Your good work and revealing to me on how to live and love like Christ, including myself (in a humble not prideful way). Thank You Lord for loving me in the messy. In Jesus Name Amen.

With joy,

MJ

Dear Lord, I am editing this post now. Reading over this I just wanted to say thank You! Even since writing this post... I am beginning to see myself as ever so valuable in Your eyes. I know I'm not perfect. But I'm learning how ever-so-much You love me. Thank You. :)

P.S. I know this was a long post, so if you made it this far WOWZAS. I hope that this has been a blessing to you as God ministering to me in this area has been. Know you are not alone in your messy journey!