The End of Me.

Dear Lord, I know what it is like to feel depressed. Please be with those who are struggling to even get up today. Lord, may they find Your hope in their story. May peace begin to reside in their lives as they seek You. In Jesus’ Name Amen.

I reached "the end of me".

I know that is something that people say, and even though I had felt deep hurt before this was different. This was the moment I couldn’t pick myself up by the bootstraps and move anymore.

The best way I could describe it was an intense shattering of self.

I felt the shame and nakedness and mess of my shards lying absolutely everywhere. I could no longer collect the parts of me and put myself back together, I was entirely undone. I was depressed, no energy, I was dreaded word: weak.

In the midst of this shattering, I lost myself. Who was I?

But with the mess of who I thought I was lying everywhere, I pictured God picking up those pieces of me.

He took His time selecting the right pieces. He left the ones I did not need anymore.

He began the slow-painstaking process of making me into a new creation. (He is still taking time right now!) I didn’t want it to take time. I had the question of who I was to answer. I needed security, affirmation, acceptance—how could I do this if I didn’t even know who I was?

I felt the soft revelation come as I remembered Psalm 139. God said that I didn't need to know who I was. I need only to know who He is.

And by knowing Him I could find me because God knew who I was. God knows who I am going to be when I am farther along the healing process. He had written the days for me in a book; He thought about me all the time.

A sweet shift began that moment, I could rest in knowing that God knew me even when I did not yet.

He knew me before I was in the womb and He could know me now yet when I am raw, messy, with all the pieces of me everywhere exposed and waiting for Him to sort through.

I’m imperfect yet-- He loves me.

And I hear a promise that He has for me. Beauty from the ashes. The same promise to His beloved Israel, He has for me.

“and provide for those who grieve in Zion— to bestow on them a crown of beauty instead of ashes, the oil of joy instead of mourning, and a garment of praise instead of a spirit of despair. They will be called oaks of righteousness, a planting of the LORD for the display of his splendor.” Isaiah 61:3

I can see a difference from a year ago. I cannot wait to see what He does a year from now.

But I have to trust that He sees what I don’t.

With joy,

MJ