Unending Love.

Unsplash - Priscilla Du Preez

Here I am again, the little girl who grew up into a young woman fighting to understand her value. It’s coming… in waves like the rippling ones that lap softly up on the sandy shores. Dawning realization that my worth doesn’t lie in the arms of others, or in the words that slice the heart as a child, or even in the row of awards that are accumulating dust.

No. My worth comes from Someone who is unchanging. Someone who has called me by only endearing names. Someone who doesn’t ask me to anything to earn His love by even a lick. Someone who embraces me before I even attempt to clean up my messy self.

“Of course she brings up God” you might say… it’s what any Christian would add as a Band-Aid to a situation. Oh gosh, I get you. I tear up at the amount of times I was questioning God’s love for me. I flat out asked Him about this love recently too. I was like, “Uh God… I don’t know if this is blasphemous to ask, but I’m not sure if I feel loved by You?”

I got nothing at first. It was quiet and that was hard for me. After all, I asked my Heavenly Father a pretty important question. I mean- I would still believe in Him. I’ve read too many apologetic books, articles by scientists, documentaries and atheists who became Christians because of the undeniable evidence- to doubt that God existed. But I wanted to know if He loved me.

I didn’t get my answer in this shining blinding light like Paul (I’m grateful, I like my eyesight). I didn’t get my answer on a billboard that says JESUS SAVES. REPENT. I didn’t even get my answer all at once. It was pretty much the least dramatic but beautiful answer ever...

It was like my eyes were opened to the little things that no person could have done or known about me and yet were happening. I realized God knew my current favorite color, He helped me relax one day right after I dumped all my woes to Him in a one-sided conversation. I met Him in the garden while the sweat stuck to my skin and my hands were raw from pulling out the dead foliage (yes, I wore gloves) and He ministered to my wounded heart. I heard Him as He spoke to me through His Word. Words illuminated on the pages. It was like an accumulation of those things gave me the answer:

He loved me. He loves me.

Dear Lord, Here I am. No, this life isn’t perfect, but right this second I am content. I am Yours. I’m actually in a much different place than I was a year ago. Thank You for not leaving me there. I rejoice in the amount of anger, sorrow, joy, pleasure, pain, that You walked with me through. You captured my tears. You held me when I felt like there was nothing left of me to hold. You love me.

This I am coming to realize more everyday. I’m thankful You are a good Father who doesn’t look at me like I’m dumb. But with sparkling eyes as I discover something new about You each day. You enjoy it. You love it when I come to trust You as You toss me in the air to catch me. The thrill that would be terror without trust. You tenderly dust me off when I skin my knee and encourage me to try again bravely. You don’t scoff at me when I hesitate at a new risk but rather You ask me to brave remembering what You are capable of.

Oh. My soul aches for the day that I can come home to You, but in a way of fellowship. One in which You walked along the garden with us, Will You being doing that in heaven? I wonder what that would be like. To experience You and in full understanding of who You are finally. It must be too much for us on earth…

You can experience this beautiful love. You can invite Him into your heart, your questions, your pain. Ask Him those angry questions about bad things happening like Job did. Question His justice like Habakkuk. Wrestle Him like Jacob.

And find… that He has the answer. Find why Job praised God no matter what and was shocked when presented with God's Holy Sovereignty. Find why Habakkuk began to pray for his enemies and mercy after discovering God's justice. Come away with a limp and a confidence in Jesus like Jacob.

You will seek me and find me when you seek me with all your heart. Jeremiah 29:13 NIV

Find that He deserves the honor and glory forever.

Find that He has an unending love to offer.

Find that living a life as a friend and child of God is worth being a living sacrifice as Jesus Christ, who died for us.

with joy,

MJ