I Trust You, I Don’t Trust You.

Two days ago I told God I didn’t trust Him. The tears fell as I said the words. But somehow there was relief. Relief that He knew the whole time I felt that way. Relief that I did not feel condemnation but freedom for having said it out loud. God still loved me and I knew it. Because the words have been said I could now heal in a fresh way.

I found a prayer I wrote several months ago. In this prayer I titled it, “I Trust You…”. It was my prayer to God about how much I trusted Him. I listed out what I trusted Him with. I remembered that prayer and that I truly felt what I said as I wrote it. Being in a current place of doubt and yet knowing there was a moment when I did completely trust Him comforted me. God loved me then and now. He loves me through the sureness and the doubt.

I picture Peter walking on water and Jesus saying those words- “oh you of little faith” not with condemnation but rather a: “do you not remember me? Do you not know who I am? Do you not remember we just fed 5,000+ people? Do you not remember I paid your taxes out of a fish? Do you not remember the people who received healing?”

Ah, I get Peter. I am Peter. I know God can make me walk on water, but I forget who He is WAY TOO OFTEN.

It makes sense why the Israelis were told to put reminders everywhere (Deut. 11:18-21) and to put up stones to remember when God split the sea a second time (Joshua 4:1-9). It’s because we humans are so forgetful!

But I have seen God move! I have felt God deliver! His whisper comforted me! His hands have rescued me! Oh, how I want to trust my Father more fully. I want to remember who He is and keep walking on water towards Him.

Dear Lord, please help me to remember those moments You came through for me. Help me to remember the God of the Old and New Testament who came through in battle and in the lives of individuals. May I not forget who You are. May I rejoice in that though I go through trials, I know who You are and that I AM is with me. Help me Lord, when I don’t trust You, to find You as my rock once again. In Jesus name amen.

Make a List

I forget which Pastor I heard it from, but he said “write down the good things God has done in your life and use that as a reference lists for when you struggle.” I think that is a good idea. I'm going to do just that.

with joy,

MJ