Dear Lord, Why? (Wrestling with Depression)

Dear Lord, I really don’t understand why You let me experience that. Were You there? Did You cry too? Were You angry? What did Your face look like Oh Lord in that moment? Why didn’t You jump out and do something?! Why… why when those words, those actions, those people…why do You Lord, allow hurt. Why do You say to rejoice in trials and tribulations? Why does refining feel so not worth it right now…just why.

Turning to the Word. Because that is where my strength comes from.

“But they who wait for the Lord shall renew their strength; they shall mount up with wings like eagles; they shall run and not be weary; they shall walk and not grow faint.” Isaiah 40:31

This scripture is a go-to for comfort. Honestly, sometimes it is hard to read the Word of God. But at the same time that is the only thing that seems to get all the way to the root of what I'm dealing with. When I see David complain... I realize that God still loves me through this lack of energy to do more than cry out to Him in grief.

“God is our refuge and strength, our ever present help in trouble.” Psalms 46:1

Reading in Psalms a lot lately. I love how down-to-earth and real David is. He admits feeling depression, sorrow, and joy. I get that wrestling. It is refreshing to read that you can love God so deeply and still wrestle with depression. It isn’t that I want to feel depressed, it is just knowing that it is not a sin to feel negative emotions or to have a hard time processing trauma.

Chapter 31 in Psalms is a refreshing way of looking at sorrow. It is a melody of thankfulness despite deep sorrow and pain. David expresses his melancholy to the Lord and is inviting Him into his own emotions. David acknowledges God’s amazing attributes and calls on Him to help him.

I will be glad and rejoice in your love, for you saw my affliction and knew the anguish of my soul. Psalm 31:7 NIV

Interestingly, there is a joyous theme going on in chapter 30. David is exalting God and seems to be in the peak of joyfulness! He talks about lament being exchanged for gladness and joy being new in the morning.

It makes me feel a lot less crazy reading about David and his changes in emotion. David literally takes every emotion to God. He goes through the grief cycle unabashedly with Christ as the focal point.

Dear Lord, even when I don’t know why. Or how to process the emotions that come from it. May I feel free to take all of my emotions to You. May I invite You into the pain, anger, sorrow, depression, and desire to hope again…may I feel free to grieve with You and before You. May I be ok as I do not have all my questions yet answered. May You renew my strength. I will wait on You.

Why... I think I am beginning to see why. It leaves still plenty of questions. But I think I know You more deeply for having to rely on You. I have been able to have compassion for the abused like I would not otherwise have had. I have a heart to seek for You and for healing. For now, I think that is why… I am sure there is more but I am currently satisfied.

-MJ

P.S. This post was written in the middle of a season of depression. It was a real wrestle in my healing journey. I am not currently in a state of depression as I post this. I want to encourage you that grief is a normal part of the healing process. If you are feeling stuck, Dr. Henry Cloud has a video here. I have personally found pastoral counseling and biblically-based clinical counseling to be helpful in moments of depression, exposing old hurts and traumas, and generally having someone bring a Biblical perspective into my life. But like I said in my About Me, I am not a licensed counselor, so please feel free to take my advice with a grain of salt and find someone who is!

P.P.S. Gosh. That was a seriously long postscript. lol. Did you used to write P.S. in your letters? I almost forgot about postscripts in letters it had been so long since I wrote one like that. LOL