Dear Lord, I'm a Mess.

Photo Credit: Taylor Heery, Unsplash

Dear Lord, I’m a Mess.

Dear Lord, my eyes are sticky, I’m so very tired. I cannot do today without You. Some days “today” seems too long. I’m not sure what to do with myself sometimes. Honestly, Lord? There are days when I just keep it together and I’m tired of hiding my story. I’m tired of saying “I’m ok” when I’m not. I would like to feel supported in my mess, not crazy for having a mess. Not like a sinner for not having joy all the time. I want to rest in You and heal Lord. In Jesus Name Amen.

I looked back to what I wrote not too long ago in the middle of my mess and hurt. There was somethings where I was like “WHOA, were you ok girl?” to my own journaling. But that is just it, I wasn’t.

But in my mess is where God met me in my innermost area.

It was in the hallway in tears that God sent a friend to hold me and just be there.

It was in the quiet time in my journal that God ministered to me.

It was when I was talking to God through spontantous worship.

With words I could totally make each of those situations sound poetic.

They weren’t though. I hated being seen with a puffy red face and tears threatening to share my story. I often struggled and scribbled and angrily wrote in my journal, not feeling clarity yet. And there were moments when I couldn’t seem to even strum basic chords on the guitar and hated the sound of my own voice in conversations.

In the non-poetic moments, I still encountered God. He walked with me hand-in-hand through my messy and He began to unravel the picture of how much He already loved me.

BUT I DON’T WANT TO BE MESSY.

That was me. And kinda why I named my blog amessyjourneytohealing.com. It was because in my fight to not be messy- I ended up isolating myself…getting bitter for others not understanding what I was going through (which is ironic since I was determined not to tell them).

It had to get messy so I could heal. I had to experience the emotions that came with grief. I had to find a few safe people to begin to share my story to.

But guess what? God loves us through our messy. AND He won’t leave us there. And shooo, we’re technically messy all of our this-side-of-heaven lives. So I’m grateful He doesn’t wait for us to get cleaned up first.

But the pot he was shaping from the clay was marred in his hands; so the potter formed it into another pot, shaping it as seemed best to him.Then the word of the Lord came to me. He said, “Can I not do with you, Israel, as this potter does?” declares the Lord. “Like clay in the hand of the potter, so are you in my hand, Israel" Jeremiah 18:4-6, NIV

Dear Lord, when I feel messy in this healing process, help me to have compassion on myself. Help me to rest in You and help me to seek You when I feel crunchy. Help me to begin to see more and more glimpses of Your love for me. Lord? Help others to feel safe in being messy as they seek You around me as well, so that we can rally around one another and heal. So that we can share our stories and rejoice in how You came through. In Jesus Name Amen.

With joy,

MJ